I’ve been thinking of yesterday’s blog entry since I woke up today. I wanted to determine what was the underlying cause of it. I cannot recall having experienced such a strong urge to get away and cut all the strings connecting you to your most common context before. What it all comes down to, after having read it over and over for about thirty times during a couple of hours, is that I want to peel all the layers that have grown upon me since I was born off, leave everything that I built up and get away and try something different for a while. That without being obliged to remain in touch. Travelling for your own sake rather than to cross things off from a must-have-seen-list. I want to get to the core and start anew, so that I can see the world in a different way.
There’s no point in hanging around waiting for things to change, for something different to appear, for someone new to get to know. It’s not going to happen, because I stick with old habits and old patterns of life. I have become too predictable and this is a feature that I do not think that highly of. Things are not going to change around here and neither am I as long as I’m still here.
I think the whole point with the idea of giving everything up everything that I have, leaving everything that I know of, putting myself in a new context where I cannot take anything for granted, would be to see if I eventually return to the life that I lead as for now. It would be a test to prove whether this is the route I should follow, or if I was supposed to be something way different but neglected the possibility to because of the norms of myself and those around me.
I want to get back to the origin of everything that I have come to be. I want to trace my steps back to understand why things turned out the way they did. I do appreciate what I have. I have so many wonderful friends and their company is not a cause of this. No, this urge to get away and start anew is driven by egoism. But I think I need to embrace it. If I end up in the same spot as I set out from, at least then I know nothing went wrong along the way.
