Suddenly everything became great

Today I had the last day of uni for pretty much a week ahead.

Isaac’s here visiting, it’s the best.

We got access to Voddler a couple of days ago.

I ran out of things to worry about.

 

So yeah, things are going good.

Disorientation

There are too many and too few things happening at the moment.

Soothing

I went to a Poetry Slam seession last night to change focus from aching knees and today’s test. It was the best thing I’ve done in a long time. “Balm for the soul” is a swedish expression which corresponds quite well to how good I felt afterwards.

Articulatio genus bilateral failure

My knees have raised a mutiny against me.

The left one is the ringleader and the right one is too much of a sheep to take stand against its twin. Now I can neither move nor remain still without being remembered of their strike by the chronic pain radiating out from around the patellae. The only time it doesn’t hurt is when the leg is entirely stretched out which excludes all activity except for lying down or standing upright, putting weight on the other leg. That is, after the five first minutes when I rubbed the intense cramps away, it doesn’t hurt lying down.

I bought myself nice shoes which I assumed my knees would approve of. Real shoes, no classic canvas ones, the real deal. They were expensive and I figured since they were proper shoes they couldn’t cause me any pain what so ever. I don’t know what happened after that, but now it hurts so badly using them. And even if I don’t, I’m still in pain.

It’s taking over my head, please take it away.

When all else fails, consult Youtube.

The past week of lectures has been frustrating. Not because what we study is difficult, but because the lecturer refuses to present the topics in a way that is accessible to someone who hasn’t studied these things before. My spontaneous reaction was to ignore the fact that I wasn’t following to a 100%, I figured I would be fine with almost understanding from what I studied in Chem and Bio at VCE. Believe it or not, what I was taught down under has given me a head start. Pretty cool.

Anyway, my strategy of volountary ignorance was doomed to fail but it wasn’t until yesterday that it struck me that I wasn’t keeping up to the extent that I have to. And I will blame this on the lecturer. I wouldn’t be surprised if he feels a little better about himself over knowing something that we cannot understand. It’s as if he considers it prestigious to be smarter than the rest of us. Someone should tell him he’s a lecturer, damn it. He could find an outlet for such unsympathetic fetishes at some mutual admiration society and stop abusing the poor medicine students who depend on his ability to make things easy to understand.

So I gave up on hoping he would change and put my faith in the textbook instead. That worked for about 20 minutes before I realised none of the page references are correct because I don’t have the latest edition. Fark, no wonder I couldn’t find the answers to the Hemoglobin homework sheet in chapter 7. In the latest edition, that chapter is called, voilà, Hemoglobin. In my book, chapter 7 has the headline Exploring Evolution. (rimshot) And no, the index is not helping.

It was not until I stumbled across a lecture series from an Indian university on Youtube, after a peer posted it on someone’s facebook wall as a joke, that things started making sense.

They have the best lecturer. She makes things understandable. With people like her around, I don’t understand how guys like above mentioned can keep their jobs.

From now on, Youtube will be where I begin to look. I might even ditch our lectures for the Indian equivalent.

I guess this means I could quit uni and start browsing Youtube as my way of obtaining wisdom. I think it would actually work.

Noctural reflections

The good thing about people thinking you’re ~24 is that you get into clubs that are 20+ without even showing your ID.

The downside is that you get hit on by people who are 30+ when all you want them to do is piss off.

I still don’t get why my age being 24 is such a common guess.

Post-exam plans

I can’t wait for tomorrow when I finally is to get started on accomplishing on the post-exam to-do list that I’ve put together for the past week. Now that I finally am to get my life back, hopefully in serviceable condition, there are so many things that I want to do. All starting tomorrow. I wonder if it will bring me the amount of pleasance as I’ve imagined. Probably not, my expectations are immense.

Diagnosis

Yesterday was the worst day in a long time. I’ve become more and more stressed about the upcoming exam, and yesterday it reached it’s peak. Rapid pulse, inability to think straight, bad sleep, nausea, on the point of vomiting. I decided it wasn’t worth it, that I was not enjoying what I was doing and if I didn’t pass the exam, which I was sure of that I wouldn’t, I was going to quit.

I don’t know myself good enough. Or, rather, it’s been to long a time since I last had exams in front of me.

During the few laps I went for today, post-lectural, I realised (like I usually do while swimming) that this is excactly how I become the last week before exams that I have to put in an effort for. I always hit rock bottom and then, once I’ve whined about how shit the thing I’m studying for is and that I don’t know why I keep doing it, I get back up again. And I do better in preparing after that. It’s the most stupid behavior, but it’s subconcious, and apparently, cyclic. I remember going through the same thing about 8 times in Australia and another say, 12 last semester. For some reason I need to feel miserable, and I don’t have the slightest clue of why this is.

I need to make this stop, damn it, it’s sehr peinlich.

Eh

I took the bus home at midnight because I needed to spare today for studying. There was a girl sitting in the seat in front of mine when I got on the bus, she was all gone. I kept surveilling her to see whether she kept breathing or not. She did, despite that her head repeatedly knocked into the windowpane.

Arriving at Mölnlycke station, I tried to wake her up to ask where she was going and if she was alright. I then realised it was someone I used to swim with before I went to Australia. We were never that good friends. She managed to get a few incomprehensible words through before her boyfriend appeared all of a sudden. I let him take over from there, and five seconds later she barfed all over herself.

I don’t know why I wanted to post this, I just did.

Contrasts

Nestling up under the duna, reading 100 pages of Shantaram in a stretch, going out running around the lake nearby, listening to the sounds of a cold night, knitting this and that, listening to the Le fableux déstin d’Amelie Poulain soundtrack, drinking tea, calling a friend, browsing through pictures from this summer, making up travel plans for the coming year, hanging out with friends, realising how much you enjoy someone’s company, being grateful, dreaming.

vs.

Frustration, insecurity, chronic aches without a cause, restrictions due to commitments, concluding that reality is not as good as it could have been, feeling inadequate, realising how much you miss someone, misunderstandings, ambivalency, boredom, living on a routine, wanting to flee from something highly abstract, confusion, the urge for that something you need but cannot put your finger on.